I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
