Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
