I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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