the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
