genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize