sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
