My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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