theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
