I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize