I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
