Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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