I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
