i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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