I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize