My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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