Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
