i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
