my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
