My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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