Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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