Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
