My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize