NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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