wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Is it because I queefed?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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