yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
