yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
