Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
