My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize