We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
