I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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