Girls should come with a carfax report
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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