Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
