This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
