Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
