Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
