God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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