Princesses don't give blow jobs
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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