Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
