Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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