Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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