Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
