It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
