a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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