I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
