I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
