I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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