My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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