people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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