Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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