I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
