we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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