Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
