apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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