I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm really busy with my period
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