The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
