I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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