What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
