He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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