When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
