And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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