eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
