Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
