There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
