break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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