Cold hands, warm shart.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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