i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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