i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
