I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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