I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
