so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
